Autumn Fantasies

Well I guess I haven't done a very good job of reinventing myself. I had this great idea to start this blog like five months ago... spent a night drinking wine and writing a LONG first entry. And then... nothing. And has anyone even read my first thing I wrote? I have no idea. No one who knows me even knows I have a blog. So much for the excitement of being anonymous, I guess.

I have to admit, I'm kind of down on myself these days in general. I feel mediocre. I feel like I don't do some of the things I wish I could do because I don't have the guts to. I hav these wild thoughts but my shyness gets in the way. When guys flirt with me, I feel insecure. And my therapist tells me I probably give off a vibe that I'm not interested, and she's probably right, but I can't help it.

I just started a new semester at school. Classes are stressing me out. Money is stressing me out.

Oh holy fuck. So this is an uplifting blog. Is anybody out there even reading this?

So back to the sexually charged theme I promised, or envisioned, or whatever.

I go through these kind of depressed moods every now and then. Especially this time of year when the winter rains are starting to return to Seattle. A lot of people think it rains all the time here. Actually, the summers are fucking beautiful. When I see the summer weather starting to go away, it puts me in a bad mood. Today, the forecast was for sun and 75 degrees but it didn't happen. And they say that's what's coming tomorrow. I'll believe it when I see it.

I get to this time of year and I go through these morose sorts of spells, and when I get this way, there are two things I tend to do to comfort myself. I either eat or I masturbate. And since one causes me to gain weight, and the other causes me, in theory, to lost it, I tend to go with the more physical activity... though if masturbation was really effective for weight loss, I think I would look anorexic right now. I've been doing it a lot lately. Last Sunday, I think either five or six times.

I have a lot of different fantasies when I masturbate. I guess it's the creative part of me. Sometimes I fantasize about things that could, in theory, really happen, like meeting a guy at a bar and going home with him. But sometimes I have more elaborate fantasies about things that I think would be amazing, but that I will probably never have the guts to do. Last weekend, I fantasized about being a stripper, though in reality, I don't think I could take my clothes off in a room full of strangers. I had another fantasy about fucking an older man -- like maybe early 50s -- in a motel room. Actually, I had two of those fantasies. In one, he picked me up at a bar and took me to his room, and he just looked kind of average. In the other, it was a really muscular guy who was rough with me. He did me doggy style, and slapped my ass until I screamed, and pulled my hair and made me watch myself in the hotel mirror while he fucked me. He came really loud -- which was totally unrealistic because in a motel room, other people would hear, but it was a fun fantasy.

This brings me to tonight. I'm drinking some gin and in a few minutes I am going to bed. And thinking about that last fantasy, I'm wanting another fantasy tonight where I give up control. Surrender myself. I might fantasize about a gang bang. Or a whole bunch of guys taking turns cumming on me.

But the fact remains... I'm sleeping alone tonight.