I tried to go out and do something new and fun and sexy last night. I ended up having an epic meltdown.
My friend told me I should try salsa dancing. I love dancing but I am totally uncoordinated when it comes to doing anything organized. Like... I like to move my body and jump around on the dance floor, but when it comes to mastering a specific step that everyone else is doing at the same time, I can't do it. I have no coordination. Wires get crossed between my brain and my feet. Despite my shyness, in the past I have attempted swing dancing and Irish dancing. I have made a mess of things both times.
So I suspected salsa would not be any different. But my friend told me once I was out on the dance floor moving my body, I'd relax, and there would be guys there who would be into my curvy body if I just looked confident.
HA!
That's fucking hilarious. I don't look confident when I'm WALKING, let alone salsa dancing!
So I had just barely started to understand the most basic step, minutes behind everyone else, when they started mixing things up and adding shit that my feet just would not do. People were watching me... and then the bullshit congratulatory "You're doing great, Kami" bullshit started and... fuck. I'm not sure what happened, but I had a fullblown panic attack -- something that has only happened to me two other times. I think I kept it pretty discreet but I had to go sit down. I felt like an ass for just quitting -- I'm not usually a quitter -- but I just couldn't take 40 more minutes of humiliation. My friend kept trying to get me to "get back up there," which is when I left. She followed me outside and I was breathing really heavily, felt like the world was closing in on me. We went to her car and I couldn't stop sobbing. For like 20 minutes, I couldn't even explain to her what was going on. It sucked.
Like I said, this was all done in the spirit that I might eventually meet some guy. Needless to say, I'm not going back and must find some other outlet. But this incident has just knocked my already flagging confidence down another notch. I went home, smoked a bowl, and had a romantic evening with my vibrator.
Really don't want to go to work today.
My friend told me I should try salsa dancing. I love dancing but I am totally uncoordinated when it comes to doing anything organized. Like... I like to move my body and jump around on the dance floor, but when it comes to mastering a specific step that everyone else is doing at the same time, I can't do it. I have no coordination. Wires get crossed between my brain and my feet. Despite my shyness, in the past I have attempted swing dancing and Irish dancing. I have made a mess of things both times.
So I suspected salsa would not be any different. But my friend told me once I was out on the dance floor moving my body, I'd relax, and there would be guys there who would be into my curvy body if I just looked confident.
HA!
That's fucking hilarious. I don't look confident when I'm WALKING, let alone salsa dancing!
So I had just barely started to understand the most basic step, minutes behind everyone else, when they started mixing things up and adding shit that my feet just would not do. People were watching me... and then the bullshit congratulatory "You're doing great, Kami" bullshit started and... fuck. I'm not sure what happened, but I had a fullblown panic attack -- something that has only happened to me two other times. I think I kept it pretty discreet but I had to go sit down. I felt like an ass for just quitting -- I'm not usually a quitter -- but I just couldn't take 40 more minutes of humiliation. My friend kept trying to get me to "get back up there," which is when I left. She followed me outside and I was breathing really heavily, felt like the world was closing in on me. We went to her car and I couldn't stop sobbing. For like 20 minutes, I couldn't even explain to her what was going on. It sucked.
Like I said, this was all done in the spirit that I might eventually meet some guy. Needless to say, I'm not going back and must find some other outlet. But this incident has just knocked my already flagging confidence down another notch. I went home, smoked a bowl, and had a romantic evening with my vibrator.
Really don't want to go to work today.
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