I've been kind of depressed this past week, which is part of why I haven't been blogging. The weird thing is whenever I get this way, I seem to masturbate a lot more. Like, sometimes several times in one day. I donh't know if this is "normal" or not. I don't really even know if "normal" exists. But I think the reason I do it is it's comforting. And there's an endorphin release that seems to dull the depression.
I'm not sure why, but when I feel like this, I tend to fantasize about older guys when I masturbate. I think it all fits in with the depression, and wanting to be taken care of.
I have to admit, I have some older guy fantasies. I've never been with anyone more than a couple of years older than me, but sometimes I think it would be hot to be with a guy maybe in his 50s or so.
Psychologists would probably pick that apart and find some sort of "isue" or something that's "wrong" with me. But it's how I am. It's one of the things I fantasize about. I'm just not sure if it's a fantasy I will ever fulfil.
I should probably elaborate on that sometime.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Shy
I ended up going out last night with my friend -- I'll call her Anita. We went to a bar and had a few drinks. I was already kind of tipsy when we started.
So I don't know what my problem is, but when there's a possibility a guy might be flirting with me or hitting on me, I go into this really shy, nervous mode, which I think I tend to cover up by being aloof. So I give off this "I'm not interested" vibe that ultimately sends guys away toward girls who might be interested.
Part of it is I get tongue-tied. I don't know what to say, which is totally stupid because in any other situation, I'm generally comfortable. Maybe a little insecure or shy, yeah, but it's not like I can't talk.
I suck at small talk. It feels superficial. And the logical part of me gets it that, okay, maybe it is superficial, but it's necessary to start a conversation. But I just don't know how to do it.
So you probably know where this is going. Anita went to go to the bathroom and I stayed at the bar and this guy started talking to me. He was cute, and seemed nice. Kind of a little nerdy but not too much. He asked how my night was going, and all I could muster was, "It's going okay, thanks." He asked what I was drinking and I told him a rum and Coke. But I just sort of froze and didn't engage him in any way. So he ended up telling me to have a good evening and wandering off.
I wanted to tell Anita about it when she came back from the bathroom but I didn't. I waited until we left the bar because I knew if I told her in the bar, she would go talk to the guy and embarrass me.
I went home. I got into bed and masturbated, and I thought about having sex with the guy. I imagined what it would be like if I was bold enough to take him home, sneak him in so my roommate wouldn't know, quietly have sex with him and try to bump into him at the same bar again.
But instead, I got into bed alone last night and masturbated. I had an orgasm but it wasn't very fulfilling. It was one of those ones that just is sort of like getting it out of your system. The whole time I was fantasizing about this guy, there was also this little voice in the back of my head chastising me for being so socially inept.
So I don't know what my problem is, but when there's a possibility a guy might be flirting with me or hitting on me, I go into this really shy, nervous mode, which I think I tend to cover up by being aloof. So I give off this "I'm not interested" vibe that ultimately sends guys away toward girls who might be interested.
Part of it is I get tongue-tied. I don't know what to say, which is totally stupid because in any other situation, I'm generally comfortable. Maybe a little insecure or shy, yeah, but it's not like I can't talk.
I suck at small talk. It feels superficial. And the logical part of me gets it that, okay, maybe it is superficial, but it's necessary to start a conversation. But I just don't know how to do it.
So you probably know where this is going. Anita went to go to the bathroom and I stayed at the bar and this guy started talking to me. He was cute, and seemed nice. Kind of a little nerdy but not too much. He asked how my night was going, and all I could muster was, "It's going okay, thanks." He asked what I was drinking and I told him a rum and Coke. But I just sort of froze and didn't engage him in any way. So he ended up telling me to have a good evening and wandering off.
I wanted to tell Anita about it when she came back from the bathroom but I didn't. I waited until we left the bar because I knew if I told her in the bar, she would go talk to the guy and embarrass me.
I went home. I got into bed and masturbated, and I thought about having sex with the guy. I imagined what it would be like if I was bold enough to take him home, sneak him in so my roommate wouldn't know, quietly have sex with him and try to bump into him at the same bar again.
But instead, I got into bed alone last night and masturbated. I had an orgasm but it wasn't very fulfilling. It was one of those ones that just is sort of like getting it out of your system. The whole time I was fantasizing about this guy, there was also this little voice in the back of my head chastising me for being so socially inept.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Warmth
I had this fantasy about an hour ago that turned into a powerful orgasm. I fantasized about meeting a guy at a bar on a Friday afternoon -- a businessman who was in town for the weekend, someone a little older than me, like maybe mid to late 30s. It was happy hour, and after a few drinks, in my fantasy, we got flirty. He invited me back to his hotel room. We started making out and fooling around. He fingered me for a while and then I started to suck his cock.
He asked me if I would let him cum on my face, and I said yes. He asked me to get out of bed, on my hands and knees, so I did. He stood above me while I sucked him, and then as he got close to cumming, he pulled out of my mouth and jerked off. He groaned deeply as he came all over my face, and in my hair a little.
I laid in bed and masturbated a little while ago while I fantasized about this. I even let a little saliva run down my chin to have the sensation of warm liquid on my face. It wasn't quite the same as cum, but it turned me on.
In real life, I have had guys cum on my face twice, and I really like it. There's something comforting about the thick warm liquid running slowly across my chin and down on to my breasts. Something I have never done, but would love so much, is to first have a guy cum on my face, and then fuck me afterward while his cum was still on me. I don't know it this would work because I know most guys can't stay hard right away after they cum. It might take two guys. ;-)
Mmmm.... It's nice to think about.
Have a nice weekend!
He asked me if I would let him cum on my face, and I said yes. He asked me to get out of bed, on my hands and knees, so I did. He stood above me while I sucked him, and then as he got close to cumming, he pulled out of my mouth and jerked off. He groaned deeply as he came all over my face, and in my hair a little.
I laid in bed and masturbated a little while ago while I fantasized about this. I even let a little saliva run down my chin to have the sensation of warm liquid on my face. It wasn't quite the same as cum, but it turned me on.
In real life, I have had guys cum on my face twice, and I really like it. There's something comforting about the thick warm liquid running slowly across my chin and down on to my breasts. Something I have never done, but would love so much, is to first have a guy cum on my face, and then fuck me afterward while his cum was still on me. I don't know it this would work because I know most guys can't stay hard right away after they cum. It might take two guys. ;-)
Mmmm.... It's nice to think about.
Have a nice weekend!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sleeping Pill Surrender
Wow... well that last post was a big fucking mess now wasn't it? But I got my first comment! Yay! People are reading me!
So Thiery asked me to blog about Ambien when I'm not on Ambien, so here goes:
I've tried writing after taking Ambien before and the results are usually pretty hilarious and incoherent at times. It's meant to be a sleep drug, but I've read online that I'm not the only person to take it recreationally from time to time. It's called a "hypnotic" and one of the side effects is that you don't always remember what you did once you wake up. For that reason, you are supposed to go straight to bed once you take it, before your judgments get impaired, but I guess for me, that is part of the thrill.
Like I said in my first post on this blog, I feel like I have way too many inhibitions in the real world; yet while I acknowledge that, I don't seem to be able to break free from them. There is something though about the concept of not being in control, of surrendering myself to someone or something else, that excites me. Like I've never tried bondage or S&M but I fantasize about it.
So I guess taking an Ambien and having a couple beers is one small way in which I surrender a little control, or lose some of my inhibitions -- only I only do this when I am home alone. Honestly, Ambien gives me a nice little buzz before the sleep kicks in. I feel detached from my personality and free to at least fantasize about stuff I wouldn't do otherwise. I have other more drastic fantasies of stuff like being really drunk or high or maybe even on Ambien or something that would make me very tired -- not to the point of being passed out, but sort of just being to groggy or unconcerned to resist what a man was doing to me. Of course, for safety reasons, I would not every put myself in that situation in real life, unless it was with someone I knew really well and trusted. I have had this one kind of elaborate fantasy of taking some Ambien, having some really kinky sex or just giving myself up to someone in a way that I would not fully recall in the morning, but then watch a video of myself and what I did.
But I know that sounds a little bit fucked up, which is why I have never done it, and probably never will. I could never risk it with a stranger, and I don't think I'd ever be bold to ask a boyfriend to do that to be because -- yeah, I know -- it sounds a little psycho.
(Thanks for the comment and question, Thierry. Anyone else? I'll answer anything.)
So Thiery asked me to blog about Ambien when I'm not on Ambien, so here goes:
I've tried writing after taking Ambien before and the results are usually pretty hilarious and incoherent at times. It's meant to be a sleep drug, but I've read online that I'm not the only person to take it recreationally from time to time. It's called a "hypnotic" and one of the side effects is that you don't always remember what you did once you wake up. For that reason, you are supposed to go straight to bed once you take it, before your judgments get impaired, but I guess for me, that is part of the thrill.
Like I said in my first post on this blog, I feel like I have way too many inhibitions in the real world; yet while I acknowledge that, I don't seem to be able to break free from them. There is something though about the concept of not being in control, of surrendering myself to someone or something else, that excites me. Like I've never tried bondage or S&M but I fantasize about it.
So I guess taking an Ambien and having a couple beers is one small way in which I surrender a little control, or lose some of my inhibitions -- only I only do this when I am home alone. Honestly, Ambien gives me a nice little buzz before the sleep kicks in. I feel detached from my personality and free to at least fantasize about stuff I wouldn't do otherwise. I have other more drastic fantasies of stuff like being really drunk or high or maybe even on Ambien or something that would make me very tired -- not to the point of being passed out, but sort of just being to groggy or unconcerned to resist what a man was doing to me. Of course, for safety reasons, I would not every put myself in that situation in real life, unless it was with someone I knew really well and trusted. I have had this one kind of elaborate fantasy of taking some Ambien, having some really kinky sex or just giving myself up to someone in a way that I would not fully recall in the morning, but then watch a video of myself and what I did.
But I know that sounds a little bit fucked up, which is why I have never done it, and probably never will. I could never risk it with a stranger, and I don't think I'd ever be bold to ask a boyfriend to do that to be because -- yeah, I know -- it sounds a little psycho.
(Thanks for the comment and question, Thierry. Anyone else? I'll answer anything.)
Monday, October 4, 2010
Recreational Ambien
So I've had a long weekend. I went up to this writers retreat in Port Townsend with a couple of friends. I didn't want to go, but they dragged me with them -- probably afraid I'd strangle myself with my panties if they left me alone.
We went to a couple writers groups, but then we just wandered. Met a group of cool people from around the PNW... people I really wished had something to smoke, thought they didnt seem like the type,But we all slagged down a plentuful mix of home-grown cider and wine. Fortunately, Jess was sober enough to drive to the ferry. (Hey, if you are legally drink, sitting in the driver's seat, and the ferry crashes, can you be held responsible? Just a thought...)
Wow, am I making sense now? I can't tell. The thing with Ambien is that after you take it you are supposed to go straight to bed before you fall down. But there is something incredible about feeling it -- staying awake, fighting the urge of the drug, and staying awake till this floaty, style where all problems are gone. The world just feels good -- albeit a little tired -- but in some places that can be a learning experience depending on who you are around... that you do not have to schedule breakfast at all, especially on a weekend. ZYou don't even have to schedule it. Just show up with food and dcoffee and the masses are satisfied,
So Once I know I have a few more readers, I will get into my sex styff more. It's what people I hear -- I realize and honestly I don't really give much of a fuck about that, But it's also what I want to say, just to catch their attention... and also because I would still like to kick up that chickeh,
But what this entire blog entry began as was me saying I was writng in a very Amer4can manner, and I am screamilnlyly aware of tha. But I love everone else for the stories they tell.
And on that note... I am going to go glow in the aftermath of the stems and whatever scraos I can find,,, while I envy you guys up the road with nore than i could ever use,
Then again, maybe I should take a walk down the road.,
Thisa is what ambien does to me when i force myself to stay awake after. it makes me into a totl roll-with-it gitl who... hahahaha... can you understand the first past of this sentence? Actually, what I think is that people , a lot of people, beocome horribly confused, They are the ones we must learn to understand and be connect3ed with.
Ugh! Ambient typing... is very fun but it makes sense to no others, so perhaps I shoukd stop. (But if you need a good buzz befoer bedm an Ambien and a beer or your favorite alcoholic beverage...Invite me!
We went to a couple writers groups, but then we just wandered. Met a group of cool people from around the PNW... people I really wished had something to smoke, thought they didnt seem like the type,But we all slagged down a plentuful mix of home-grown cider and wine. Fortunately, Jess was sober enough to drive to the ferry. (Hey, if you are legally drink, sitting in the driver's seat, and the ferry crashes, can you be held responsible? Just a thought...)
Wow, am I making sense now? I can't tell. The thing with Ambien is that after you take it you are supposed to go straight to bed before you fall down. But there is something incredible about feeling it -- staying awake, fighting the urge of the drug, and staying awake till this floaty, style where all problems are gone. The world just feels good -- albeit a little tired -- but in some places that can be a learning experience depending on who you are around... that you do not have to schedule breakfast at all, especially on a weekend. ZYou don't even have to schedule it. Just show up with food and dcoffee and the masses are satisfied,
So Once I know I have a few more readers, I will get into my sex styff more. It's what people I hear -- I realize and honestly I don't really give much of a fuck about that, But it's also what I want to say, just to catch their attention... and also because I would still like to kick up that chickeh,
But what this entire blog entry began as was me saying I was writng in a very Amer4can manner, and I am screamilnlyly aware of tha. But I love everone else for the stories they tell.
And on that note... I am going to go glow in the aftermath of the stems and whatever scraos I can find,,, while I envy you guys up the road with nore than i could ever use,
Then again, maybe I should take a walk down the road.,
Thisa is what ambien does to me when i force myself to stay awake after. it makes me into a totl roll-with-it gitl who... hahahaha... can you understand the first past of this sentence? Actually, what I think is that people , a lot of people, beocome horribly confused, They are the ones we must learn to understand and be connect3ed with.
Ugh! Ambient typing... is very fun but it makes sense to no others, so perhaps I shoukd stop. (But if you need a good buzz befoer bedm an Ambien and a beer or your favorite alcoholic beverage...Invite me!
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