Shy

I ended up going out last night with my friend -- I'll call her Anita. We went to a bar and had a few drinks. I was already kind of tipsy when we started.

So I don't know what my problem is, but when there's a possibility a guy might be flirting with me or hitting on me, I go into this really shy, nervous mode, which I think I tend to cover up by being aloof. So I give off this "I'm not interested" vibe that ultimately sends guys away toward girls who might be interested.

Part of it is I get tongue-tied. I don't know what to say, which is totally stupid because in any other situation, I'm generally comfortable. Maybe a little insecure or shy, yeah, but it's not like I can't talk.

I suck at small talk. It feels superficial. And the logical part of me gets it that, okay, maybe it is superficial, but it's necessary to start a conversation. But I just don't know how to do it.

So you probably know where this is going. Anita went to go to the bathroom and I stayed at the bar and this guy started talking to me. He was cute, and seemed nice. Kind of a little nerdy but not too much. He asked how my night was going, and all I could muster was, "It's going okay, thanks." He asked what I was drinking and I told him a rum and Coke. But I just sort of froze and didn't engage him in any way. So he ended up telling me to have a good evening and wandering off.

I wanted to tell Anita about it when she came back from the bathroom but I didn't. I waited until we left the bar because I knew if I told her in the bar, she would go talk to the guy and embarrass me.

I went home. I got into bed and masturbated, and I thought about having sex with the guy. I imagined what it would be like if I was bold enough to take him home, sneak him in so my roommate wouldn't know, quietly have sex with him and try to bump into him at the same bar again.

But instead, I got into bed alone last night and masturbated. I had an orgasm but it wasn't very fulfilling. It was one of those ones that just is sort of like getting it out of your system. The whole time I was fantasizing about this guy, there was also this little voice in the back of my head chastising me for being so socially inept.