Salsa Crash

I tried to go out and do something new and fun and sexy last night. I ended up having an epic meltdown.

My friend told me I should try salsa dancing. I love dancing but I am totally uncoordinated when it comes to doing anything organized. Like... I like to move my body and jump around on the dance floor, but when it comes to mastering a specific step that everyone else is doing at the same time, I can't do it. I have no coordination. Wires get crossed between my brain and my feet. Despite my shyness, in the past I have attempted swing dancing and Irish dancing. I have made a mess of things both times.

So I suspected salsa would not be any different. But my friend told me once I was out on the dance floor moving my body, I'd relax, and there would be guys there who would be into my curvy body if I just looked confident.

HA!

That's fucking hilarious. I don't look confident when I'm WALKING, let alone salsa dancing!

So I had just barely started to understand the most basic step, minutes behind everyone else, when they started mixing things up and adding shit that my feet just would not do. People were watching me... and then the bullshit congratulatory "You're doing great, Kami" bullshit started and... fuck. I'm not sure what happened, but I had a fullblown panic attack -- something that has only happened to me two other times. I think I kept it pretty discreet but I had to go sit down. I felt like an ass for just quitting -- I'm not usually a quitter -- but I just couldn't take 40 more minutes of humiliation. My friend kept trying to get me to "get back up there," which is when I left. She followed me outside and I was breathing really heavily, felt like the world was closing in on me. We went to her car and I couldn't stop sobbing. For like 20 minutes, I couldn't even explain to her what was going on. It sucked.

Like I said, this was all done in the spirit that I might eventually meet some guy. Needless to say, I'm not going back and must find some other outlet. But this incident has just knocked my already flagging confidence down another notch. I went home, smoked a bowl, and had a romantic evening with my vibrator.

Really don't want to go to work today. 

Trying to Come Back

It's been over a year since I've written anything here, which probably means nobody comes to my blog. So I am sitting here typing this wondering if anyone will read it.

I have this problem with starting things and not finishing them. I think the blog is hard for me because I know what I want to write, but sometimes it is hard to put into words, even anonymously. I have a few close friends but I feel socially awkward. I know it's probably at least part my brain chemistry. And maybe things I was told about myself as a child. The reasons don't matter so much as it matters to fix them.

I have a secret part of me that nobody knows about. I think most people see only part of who I am. They see me as smart and quiet, and interesting but not so outgoing. It's not that I don't want to be more outgoing. It's that I have this inner panic when I start talking with people I don't know very well. I worrry they are judging me -- far more than they probably are. But the thing is, at night, when my roommate is not here (which she often isn't because she sleeps at her boyfriend's) I love to get stoned and/or drunk, and go online and look at porn. Occasionally, I have gone into chat rooms but live chat kind of moves too quickly for me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I often have thoughts that are totally logical to me but not to others.

But being stoned takes me away from who I am. Watching porn while I am stoned, the orgasms are so intense. I fantasize I am the girl in the video. I wish I were as brave as her -- to be so confident with herseof that she doesn't mind strangers watching her fuck, that she doesn't worry about being judged by her family or her friends. I wish I could be like that, but I have this constant voice in the back of my head that makes me worry constantly about what other people are thinking about me.

So I have had my escapes online. It's where I see and expand my sexual fantasies, but it's not so often that I actually get to have sex. The last time was about seven months ago with a guy I met in a restaurant while I was studying. We started talking, and he asked if he could buy me a beer, and I told him I was only 19. He asked if I wanted to hang out on his deck and have a beer there. I wanted to but I said I oculdn't at first. I was too nervous. And he was cool. He didn't push things. We just kept talking. Later, he lowered his voice and asked if I ever smoke pot. I whispered back that sometimes I did... and there was something about whispering together that made me feel more -- I don't know, relaxed and safe -- like not the whole world was watching me so I could have this conversation. He was realy gentle with the way he asked me, again, if I wanted to come to his place to smoke a little. I said yes, and once I was really stoned, I relaxed more and let him start kissing me and undressing me. And the rest, as they say, is history. I went home late -- like midnight. I was still stoned when I left. We said we'd see each other -- probably in the neighborhod, but I haven't seen him, and I don't know what I would do if I did. Probably panic a little at first.

But holy shit, this is a whining and rambling blog post. Sorry... I'm a little stoned right now.   :-)~

My main points are: I have not blogged lately because I have been a little depressed I guess and haven't known what to write... and then it went so long, that it seemed pointless because who would remember me and read me? But then I remembered how I started getting readers when I started this blkog two years ago. So I am trying to come back to blogging again.

If anyone reads this, please let me know you are out there! You can also follow me on Twitter at @kamiblogs, and I also have a new Formspring account where you can ask me questions. No one has asked me anything there yet so I would love it if you did. You can ask me about anything at all. (And I don't think yo have to be a Formspring member to ask questions there but I am not sure.) My page there is http://www.formspring.me/kamiblogs.

If you read all of this, thanks for reading all of this.

Love,
Kami