Trying to Come Back

It's been over a year since I've written anything here, which probably means nobody comes to my blog. So I am sitting here typing this wondering if anyone will read it.

I have this problem with starting things and not finishing them. I think the blog is hard for me because I know what I want to write, but sometimes it is hard to put into words, even anonymously. I have a few close friends but I feel socially awkward. I know it's probably at least part my brain chemistry. And maybe things I was told about myself as a child. The reasons don't matter so much as it matters to fix them.

I have a secret part of me that nobody knows about. I think most people see only part of who I am. They see me as smart and quiet, and interesting but not so outgoing. It's not that I don't want to be more outgoing. It's that I have this inner panic when I start talking with people I don't know very well. I worrry they are judging me -- far more than they probably are. But the thing is, at night, when my roommate is not here (which she often isn't because she sleeps at her boyfriend's) I love to get stoned and/or drunk, and go online and look at porn. Occasionally, I have gone into chat rooms but live chat kind of moves too quickly for me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I often have thoughts that are totally logical to me but not to others.

But being stoned takes me away from who I am. Watching porn while I am stoned, the orgasms are so intense. I fantasize I am the girl in the video. I wish I were as brave as her -- to be so confident with herseof that she doesn't mind strangers watching her fuck, that she doesn't worry about being judged by her family or her friends. I wish I could be like that, but I have this constant voice in the back of my head that makes me worry constantly about what other people are thinking about me.

So I have had my escapes online. It's where I see and expand my sexual fantasies, but it's not so often that I actually get to have sex. The last time was about seven months ago with a guy I met in a restaurant while I was studying. We started talking, and he asked if he could buy me a beer, and I told him I was only 19. He asked if I wanted to hang out on his deck and have a beer there. I wanted to but I said I oculdn't at first. I was too nervous. And he was cool. He didn't push things. We just kept talking. Later, he lowered his voice and asked if I ever smoke pot. I whispered back that sometimes I did... and there was something about whispering together that made me feel more -- I don't know, relaxed and safe -- like not the whole world was watching me so I could have this conversation. He was realy gentle with the way he asked me, again, if I wanted to come to his place to smoke a little. I said yes, and once I was really stoned, I relaxed more and let him start kissing me and undressing me. And the rest, as they say, is history. I went home late -- like midnight. I was still stoned when I left. We said we'd see each other -- probably in the neighborhod, but I haven't seen him, and I don't know what I would do if I did. Probably panic a little at first.

But holy shit, this is a whining and rambling blog post. Sorry... I'm a little stoned right now.   :-)~

My main points are: I have not blogged lately because I have been a little depressed I guess and haven't known what to write... and then it went so long, that it seemed pointless because who would remember me and read me? But then I remembered how I started getting readers when I started this blkog two years ago. So I am trying to come back to blogging again.

If anyone reads this, please let me know you are out there! You can also follow me on Twitter at @kamiblogs, and I also have a new Formspring account where you can ask me questions. No one has asked me anything there yet so I would love it if you did. You can ask me about anything at all. (And I don't think yo have to be a Formspring member to ask questions there but I am not sure.) My page there is http://www.formspring.me/kamiblogs.

If you read all of this, thanks for reading all of this.

Love,
Kami

Watching Porn

I like to look at porn. That might sound weird. I know it's usually a guy thing, but I like to look at it late at night when I'm up drinking or indulging in some smokey refreshment. Especially when I'm stoned. What can I say? Pot makes me horny.

But I hate porn that's fake, which most of it is. You know... where they get the fashion model wannabes and the cheesy music, and it's all scripted. I imagine that on some level, they probably are enjoying the sex once they get past the storyline-du-jour, but I can't get past the fakeness of it all. ("Oh no. My sink's backed up. What shall I do? Ooh! Here comes the plumber! But I'm flat broke. However will I pay him? Blah blah blah...)

The porn I like best is either totally amateur stuff, or so-called "reality porn," where guys go out with cameras and find girls to have sex with them. I've read that a lot of that is scripted, but if it is, they are getting way better actresses than the mainstream stuff because it doesn't usually seem fake at all.

I like watching real people have sex though. I admire them for having the guts to video themselves, and I wonder how many of them knew when they were doing it that the videos would end up online. I see a lot of girls masturbating on webcams, and I don't think they ever intended for it to be seen by anyone other than the guy they were chatting with. (Word of warning! That's why I don't put my picture online!) But recently I saw a video where a couple was fucking in front of a webcam, and they knew people were watching them. Again, I don't know if they wanted the whole world to see them or just a few select viewers, but it was really hot.

I also like watching porn because I see girls play out fantasies that I would LOVE to try but don't think I will ever get the chance to. I guess I live vicariously through them. Things like threesomes or anal (which one man tried to do to me once but it hurt like hell). I like the slutty clothes they wear and I wish they had the guts to walk down the street looking like that!

So yeah, I suppose I get a little jealous of some of the stuff I see when I watch porn online but it gets me hot, and it's a fun way to supplement my fantasies... usually late at night... when the world is sleeping... and I can rub myself in the dark anonymity of my bedroom, lit only by my flickering computer screen.

Shy

I ended up going out last night with my friend -- I'll call her Anita. We went to a bar and had a few drinks. I was already kind of tipsy when we started.

So I don't know what my problem is, but when there's a possibility a guy might be flirting with me or hitting on me, I go into this really shy, nervous mode, which I think I tend to cover up by being aloof. So I give off this "I'm not interested" vibe that ultimately sends guys away toward girls who might be interested.

Part of it is I get tongue-tied. I don't know what to say, which is totally stupid because in any other situation, I'm generally comfortable. Maybe a little insecure or shy, yeah, but it's not like I can't talk.

I suck at small talk. It feels superficial. And the logical part of me gets it that, okay, maybe it is superficial, but it's necessary to start a conversation. But I just don't know how to do it.

So you probably know where this is going. Anita went to go to the bathroom and I stayed at the bar and this guy started talking to me. He was cute, and seemed nice. Kind of a little nerdy but not too much. He asked how my night was going, and all I could muster was, "It's going okay, thanks." He asked what I was drinking and I told him a rum and Coke. But I just sort of froze and didn't engage him in any way. So he ended up telling me to have a good evening and wandering off.

I wanted to tell Anita about it when she came back from the bathroom but I didn't. I waited until we left the bar because I knew if I told her in the bar, she would go talk to the guy and embarrass me.

I went home. I got into bed and masturbated, and I thought about having sex with the guy. I imagined what it would be like if I was bold enough to take him home, sneak him in so my roommate wouldn't know, quietly have sex with him and try to bump into him at the same bar again.

But instead, I got into bed alone last night and masturbated. I had an orgasm but it wasn't very fulfilling. It was one of those ones that just is sort of like getting it out of your system. The whole time I was fantasizing about this guy, there was also this little voice in the back of my head chastising me for being so socially inept.