Trying to Come Back

It's been over a year since I've written anything here, which probably means nobody comes to my blog. So I am sitting here typing this wondering if anyone will read it.

I have this problem with starting things and not finishing them. I think the blog is hard for me because I know what I want to write, but sometimes it is hard to put into words, even anonymously. I have a few close friends but I feel socially awkward. I know it's probably at least part my brain chemistry. And maybe things I was told about myself as a child. The reasons don't matter so much as it matters to fix them.

I have a secret part of me that nobody knows about. I think most people see only part of who I am. They see me as smart and quiet, and interesting but not so outgoing. It's not that I don't want to be more outgoing. It's that I have this inner panic when I start talking with people I don't know very well. I worrry they are judging me -- far more than they probably are. But the thing is, at night, when my roommate is not here (which she often isn't because she sleeps at her boyfriend's) I love to get stoned and/or drunk, and go online and look at porn. Occasionally, I have gone into chat rooms but live chat kind of moves too quickly for me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I often have thoughts that are totally logical to me but not to others.

But being stoned takes me away from who I am. Watching porn while I am stoned, the orgasms are so intense. I fantasize I am the girl in the video. I wish I were as brave as her -- to be so confident with herseof that she doesn't mind strangers watching her fuck, that she doesn't worry about being judged by her family or her friends. I wish I could be like that, but I have this constant voice in the back of my head that makes me worry constantly about what other people are thinking about me.

So I have had my escapes online. It's where I see and expand my sexual fantasies, but it's not so often that I actually get to have sex. The last time was about seven months ago with a guy I met in a restaurant while I was studying. We started talking, and he asked if he could buy me a beer, and I told him I was only 19. He asked if I wanted to hang out on his deck and have a beer there. I wanted to but I said I oculdn't at first. I was too nervous. And he was cool. He didn't push things. We just kept talking. Later, he lowered his voice and asked if I ever smoke pot. I whispered back that sometimes I did... and there was something about whispering together that made me feel more -- I don't know, relaxed and safe -- like not the whole world was watching me so I could have this conversation. He was realy gentle with the way he asked me, again, if I wanted to come to his place to smoke a little. I said yes, and once I was really stoned, I relaxed more and let him start kissing me and undressing me. And the rest, as they say, is history. I went home late -- like midnight. I was still stoned when I left. We said we'd see each other -- probably in the neighborhod, but I haven't seen him, and I don't know what I would do if I did. Probably panic a little at first.

But holy shit, this is a whining and rambling blog post. Sorry... I'm a little stoned right now.   :-)~

My main points are: I have not blogged lately because I have been a little depressed I guess and haven't known what to write... and then it went so long, that it seemed pointless because who would remember me and read me? But then I remembered how I started getting readers when I started this blkog two years ago. So I am trying to come back to blogging again.

If anyone reads this, please let me know you are out there! You can also follow me on Twitter at @kamiblogs, and I also have a new Formspring account where you can ask me questions. No one has asked me anything there yet so I would love it if you did. You can ask me about anything at all. (And I don't think yo have to be a Formspring member to ask questions there but I am not sure.) My page there is http://www.formspring.me/kamiblogs.

If you read all of this, thanks for reading all of this.

Love,
Kami

Paid to Play

I've been really busy lately with school and work. I had this fantasy the other night that I want to write about quickly before I get back to studying.

I blogged a while ago about fantasies -- some that I would like to fulfill, some I know I never would fulfill. This is one I never would fulfill... but money's been tight lately, and I think this is something a lot of girls fantasize about but would never admit. You can probably guess where this is going. I think it would be hot to get paid for sex.

I would never do it because (1) I'm way too shy to even be approachable, and (2) it would be way too dangerous for so many reasons. But I have this job right now where I make $10 an hour and I'm trying to get through school. I know what some girls get paid to give up their bodies to strange men. Is it horrible of me to admit I think that would be incredibly hot and a lot more lucrative than what I actually do for money?

Of course, in my fantasies, it would be with a well-off, fairly nice, okay-looking guy who would treat me well., maybe (::blush::) a married guy who would be totally secret because of his wife.  In reality, if it was with someone I didn't know, he could be a total psycho, or diseased, or a cop, or just not discrete about stuff.

So... I've filed that one away under other fun masturbational fantasies for when I'm bored.

Sleeping Pill Surrender

Wow... well that last post was a big fucking mess now wasn't it? But I got my first comment! Yay! People are reading me!

So Thiery asked me to blog about Ambien when I'm not on Ambien, so here goes:

I've tried writing after taking Ambien before and the results are usually pretty hilarious and incoherent at times. It's meant to be a sleep drug, but I've read online that I'm not the only person to take it recreationally from time to time. It's called a "hypnotic" and one of the side effects is that you don't always remember what you did once you wake up. For that reason, you are supposed to go straight to bed once you take it, before your judgments get impaired, but I guess for me, that is part of the thrill.

Like I said in my first post on this blog, I feel like I have way too many inhibitions in the real world; yet while I acknowledge that, I don't seem to be able to break free from them. There is something though about the concept of not being in control, of surrendering myself to someone or something else, that excites me. Like I've never tried bondage or S&M but I fantasize about it.

So I guess taking an Ambien and having a couple beers is one small way in which I surrender a little control, or lose some of my inhibitions -- only I only do this when I am home alone. Honestly, Ambien gives me a nice little buzz before the sleep kicks in. I feel detached from my personality and free to at least fantasize about stuff I wouldn't do otherwise. I have other more drastic fantasies of stuff like being really drunk or high or maybe even on Ambien or something that would make me very tired -- not to the point of being passed out, but sort of just being to groggy or unconcerned to resist what a man was doing to me. Of course, for safety reasons, I would not every put myself in that situation in real life, unless it was with someone I knew really well and trusted. I have had this one kind of elaborate fantasy of taking some Ambien, having some really kinky sex or just giving myself up to someone in a way that I would not fully recall in the morning, but then watch a video of myself and what I did.

But I know that sounds a little bit fucked up, which is why I have never done it, and probably never will. I could never risk it with a stranger, and I don't think I'd ever be bold to ask a boyfriend to do that to be because -- yeah, I know -- it sounds a little psycho.

(Thanks for the comment and question, Thierry. Anyone else? I'll answer anything.)