It's been over a year since I've written anything here, which probably means nobody comes to my blog. So I am sitting here typing this wondering if anyone will read it.
I have this problem with starting things and not finishing them. I think the blog is hard for me because I know what I want to write, but sometimes it is hard to put into words, even anonymously. I have a few close friends but I feel socially awkward. I know it's probably at least part my brain chemistry. And maybe things I was told about myself as a child. The reasons don't matter so much as it matters to fix them.
I have a secret part of me that nobody knows about. I think most people see only part of who I am. They see me as smart and quiet, and interesting but not so outgoing. It's not that I don't want to be more outgoing. It's that I have this inner panic when I start talking with people I don't know very well. I worrry they are judging me -- far more than they probably are. But the thing is, at night, when my roommate is not here (which she often isn't because she sleeps at her boyfriend's) I love to get stoned and/or drunk, and go online and look at porn. Occasionally, I have gone into chat rooms but live chat kind of moves too quickly for me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I often have thoughts that are totally logical to me but not to others.
But being stoned takes me away from who I am. Watching porn while I am stoned, the orgasms are so intense. I fantasize I am the girl in the video. I wish I were as brave as her -- to be so confident with herseof that she doesn't mind strangers watching her fuck, that she doesn't worry about being judged by her family or her friends. I wish I could be like that, but I have this constant voice in the back of my head that makes me worry constantly about what other people are thinking about me.
So I have had my escapes online. It's where I see and expand my sexual fantasies, but it's not so often that I actually get to have sex. The last time was about seven months ago with a guy I met in a restaurant while I was studying. We started talking, and he asked if he could buy me a beer, and I told him I was only 19. He asked if I wanted to hang out on his deck and have a beer there. I wanted to but I said I oculdn't at first. I was too nervous. And he was cool. He didn't push things. We just kept talking. Later, he lowered his voice and asked if I ever smoke pot. I whispered back that sometimes I did... and there was something about whispering together that made me feel more -- I don't know, relaxed and safe -- like not the whole world was watching me so I could have this conversation. He was realy gentle with the way he asked me, again, if I wanted to come to his place to smoke a little. I said yes, and once I was really stoned, I relaxed more and let him start kissing me and undressing me. And the rest, as they say, is history. I went home late -- like midnight. I was still stoned when I left. We said we'd see each other -- probably in the neighborhod, but I haven't seen him, and I don't know what I would do if I did. Probably panic a little at first.
But holy shit, this is a whining and rambling blog post. Sorry... I'm a little stoned right now. :-)~
My main points are: I have not blogged lately because I have been a little depressed I guess and haven't known what to write... and then it went so long, that it seemed pointless because who would remember me and read me? But then I remembered how I started getting readers when I started this blkog two years ago. So I am trying to come back to blogging again.
If anyone reads this, please let me know you are out there! You can also follow me on Twitter at @kamiblogs, and I also have a new Formspring account where you can ask me questions. No one has asked me anything there yet so I would love it if you did. You can ask me about anything at all. (And I don't think yo have to be a Formspring member to ask questions there but I am not sure.) My page there is http://www.formspring.me/kamiblogs.
If you read all of this, thanks for reading all of this.
Love,
Kami
I have this problem with starting things and not finishing them. I think the blog is hard for me because I know what I want to write, but sometimes it is hard to put into words, even anonymously. I have a few close friends but I feel socially awkward. I know it's probably at least part my brain chemistry. And maybe things I was told about myself as a child. The reasons don't matter so much as it matters to fix them.
I have a secret part of me that nobody knows about. I think most people see only part of who I am. They see me as smart and quiet, and interesting but not so outgoing. It's not that I don't want to be more outgoing. It's that I have this inner panic when I start talking with people I don't know very well. I worrry they are judging me -- far more than they probably are. But the thing is, at night, when my roommate is not here (which she often isn't because she sleeps at her boyfriend's) I love to get stoned and/or drunk, and go online and look at porn. Occasionally, I have gone into chat rooms but live chat kind of moves too quickly for me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I often have thoughts that are totally logical to me but not to others.
But being stoned takes me away from who I am. Watching porn while I am stoned, the orgasms are so intense. I fantasize I am the girl in the video. I wish I were as brave as her -- to be so confident with herseof that she doesn't mind strangers watching her fuck, that she doesn't worry about being judged by her family or her friends. I wish I could be like that, but I have this constant voice in the back of my head that makes me worry constantly about what other people are thinking about me.
So I have had my escapes online. It's where I see and expand my sexual fantasies, but it's not so often that I actually get to have sex. The last time was about seven months ago with a guy I met in a restaurant while I was studying. We started talking, and he asked if he could buy me a beer, and I told him I was only 19. He asked if I wanted to hang out on his deck and have a beer there. I wanted to but I said I oculdn't at first. I was too nervous. And he was cool. He didn't push things. We just kept talking. Later, he lowered his voice and asked if I ever smoke pot. I whispered back that sometimes I did... and there was something about whispering together that made me feel more -- I don't know, relaxed and safe -- like not the whole world was watching me so I could have this conversation. He was realy gentle with the way he asked me, again, if I wanted to come to his place to smoke a little. I said yes, and once I was really stoned, I relaxed more and let him start kissing me and undressing me. And the rest, as they say, is history. I went home late -- like midnight. I was still stoned when I left. We said we'd see each other -- probably in the neighborhod, but I haven't seen him, and I don't know what I would do if I did. Probably panic a little at first.
But holy shit, this is a whining and rambling blog post. Sorry... I'm a little stoned right now. :-)~
My main points are: I have not blogged lately because I have been a little depressed I guess and haven't known what to write... and then it went so long, that it seemed pointless because who would remember me and read me? But then I remembered how I started getting readers when I started this blkog two years ago. So I am trying to come back to blogging again.
If anyone reads this, please let me know you are out there! You can also follow me on Twitter at @kamiblogs, and I also have a new Formspring account where you can ask me questions. No one has asked me anything there yet so I would love it if you did. You can ask me about anything at all. (And I don't think yo have to be a Formspring member to ask questions there but I am not sure.) My page there is http://www.formspring.me/kamiblogs.
If you read all of this, thanks for reading all of this.
Love,
Kami
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