Salsa Crash

I tried to go out and do something new and fun and sexy last night. I ended up having an epic meltdown.

My friend told me I should try salsa dancing. I love dancing but I am totally uncoordinated when it comes to doing anything organized. Like... I like to move my body and jump around on the dance floor, but when it comes to mastering a specific step that everyone else is doing at the same time, I can't do it. I have no coordination. Wires get crossed between my brain and my feet. Despite my shyness, in the past I have attempted swing dancing and Irish dancing. I have made a mess of things both times.

So I suspected salsa would not be any different. But my friend told me once I was out on the dance floor moving my body, I'd relax, and there would be guys there who would be into my curvy body if I just looked confident.

HA!

That's fucking hilarious. I don't look confident when I'm WALKING, let alone salsa dancing!

So I had just barely started to understand the most basic step, minutes behind everyone else, when they started mixing things up and adding shit that my feet just would not do. People were watching me... and then the bullshit congratulatory "You're doing great, Kami" bullshit started and... fuck. I'm not sure what happened, but I had a fullblown panic attack -- something that has only happened to me two other times. I think I kept it pretty discreet but I had to go sit down. I felt like an ass for just quitting -- I'm not usually a quitter -- but I just couldn't take 40 more minutes of humiliation. My friend kept trying to get me to "get back up there," which is when I left. She followed me outside and I was breathing really heavily, felt like the world was closing in on me. We went to her car and I couldn't stop sobbing. For like 20 minutes, I couldn't even explain to her what was going on. It sucked.

Like I said, this was all done in the spirit that I might eventually meet some guy. Needless to say, I'm not going back and must find some other outlet. But this incident has just knocked my already flagging confidence down another notch. I went home, smoked a bowl, and had a romantic evening with my vibrator.

Really don't want to go to work today. 

Trying to Come Back

It's been over a year since I've written anything here, which probably means nobody comes to my blog. So I am sitting here typing this wondering if anyone will read it.

I have this problem with starting things and not finishing them. I think the blog is hard for me because I know what I want to write, but sometimes it is hard to put into words, even anonymously. I have a few close friends but I feel socially awkward. I know it's probably at least part my brain chemistry. And maybe things I was told about myself as a child. The reasons don't matter so much as it matters to fix them.

I have a secret part of me that nobody knows about. I think most people see only part of who I am. They see me as smart and quiet, and interesting but not so outgoing. It's not that I don't want to be more outgoing. It's that I have this inner panic when I start talking with people I don't know very well. I worrry they are judging me -- far more than they probably are. But the thing is, at night, when my roommate is not here (which she often isn't because she sleeps at her boyfriend's) I love to get stoned and/or drunk, and go online and look at porn. Occasionally, I have gone into chat rooms but live chat kind of moves too quickly for me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I often have thoughts that are totally logical to me but not to others.

But being stoned takes me away from who I am. Watching porn while I am stoned, the orgasms are so intense. I fantasize I am the girl in the video. I wish I were as brave as her -- to be so confident with herseof that she doesn't mind strangers watching her fuck, that she doesn't worry about being judged by her family or her friends. I wish I could be like that, but I have this constant voice in the back of my head that makes me worry constantly about what other people are thinking about me.

So I have had my escapes online. It's where I see and expand my sexual fantasies, but it's not so often that I actually get to have sex. The last time was about seven months ago with a guy I met in a restaurant while I was studying. We started talking, and he asked if he could buy me a beer, and I told him I was only 19. He asked if I wanted to hang out on his deck and have a beer there. I wanted to but I said I oculdn't at first. I was too nervous. And he was cool. He didn't push things. We just kept talking. Later, he lowered his voice and asked if I ever smoke pot. I whispered back that sometimes I did... and there was something about whispering together that made me feel more -- I don't know, relaxed and safe -- like not the whole world was watching me so I could have this conversation. He was realy gentle with the way he asked me, again, if I wanted to come to his place to smoke a little. I said yes, and once I was really stoned, I relaxed more and let him start kissing me and undressing me. And the rest, as they say, is history. I went home late -- like midnight. I was still stoned when I left. We said we'd see each other -- probably in the neighborhod, but I haven't seen him, and I don't know what I would do if I did. Probably panic a little at first.

But holy shit, this is a whining and rambling blog post. Sorry... I'm a little stoned right now.   :-)~

My main points are: I have not blogged lately because I have been a little depressed I guess and haven't known what to write... and then it went so long, that it seemed pointless because who would remember me and read me? But then I remembered how I started getting readers when I started this blkog two years ago. So I am trying to come back to blogging again.

If anyone reads this, please let me know you are out there! You can also follow me on Twitter at @kamiblogs, and I also have a new Formspring account where you can ask me questions. No one has asked me anything there yet so I would love it if you did. You can ask me about anything at all. (And I don't think yo have to be a Formspring member to ask questions there but I am not sure.) My page there is http://www.formspring.me/kamiblogs.

If you read all of this, thanks for reading all of this.

Love,
Kami

Paid to Play

I've been really busy lately with school and work. I had this fantasy the other night that I want to write about quickly before I get back to studying.

I blogged a while ago about fantasies -- some that I would like to fulfill, some I know I never would fulfill. This is one I never would fulfill... but money's been tight lately, and I think this is something a lot of girls fantasize about but would never admit. You can probably guess where this is going. I think it would be hot to get paid for sex.

I would never do it because (1) I'm way too shy to even be approachable, and (2) it would be way too dangerous for so many reasons. But I have this job right now where I make $10 an hour and I'm trying to get through school. I know what some girls get paid to give up their bodies to strange men. Is it horrible of me to admit I think that would be incredibly hot and a lot more lucrative than what I actually do for money?

Of course, in my fantasies, it would be with a well-off, fairly nice, okay-looking guy who would treat me well., maybe (::blush::) a married guy who would be totally secret because of his wife.  In reality, if it was with someone I didn't know, he could be a total psycho, or diseased, or a cop, or just not discrete about stuff.

So... I've filed that one away under other fun masturbational fantasies for when I'm bored.

Watching Porn

I like to look at porn. That might sound weird. I know it's usually a guy thing, but I like to look at it late at night when I'm up drinking or indulging in some smokey refreshment. Especially when I'm stoned. What can I say? Pot makes me horny.

But I hate porn that's fake, which most of it is. You know... where they get the fashion model wannabes and the cheesy music, and it's all scripted. I imagine that on some level, they probably are enjoying the sex once they get past the storyline-du-jour, but I can't get past the fakeness of it all. ("Oh no. My sink's backed up. What shall I do? Ooh! Here comes the plumber! But I'm flat broke. However will I pay him? Blah blah blah...)

The porn I like best is either totally amateur stuff, or so-called "reality porn," where guys go out with cameras and find girls to have sex with them. I've read that a lot of that is scripted, but if it is, they are getting way better actresses than the mainstream stuff because it doesn't usually seem fake at all.

I like watching real people have sex though. I admire them for having the guts to video themselves, and I wonder how many of them knew when they were doing it that the videos would end up online. I see a lot of girls masturbating on webcams, and I don't think they ever intended for it to be seen by anyone other than the guy they were chatting with. (Word of warning! That's why I don't put my picture online!) But recently I saw a video where a couple was fucking in front of a webcam, and they knew people were watching them. Again, I don't know if they wanted the whole world to see them or just a few select viewers, but it was really hot.

I also like watching porn because I see girls play out fantasies that I would LOVE to try but don't think I will ever get the chance to. I guess I live vicariously through them. Things like threesomes or anal (which one man tried to do to me once but it hurt like hell). I like the slutty clothes they wear and I wish they had the guts to walk down the street looking like that!

So yeah, I suppose I get a little jealous of some of the stuff I see when I watch porn online but it gets me hot, and it's a fun way to supplement my fantasies... usually late at night... when the world is sleeping... and I can rub myself in the dark anonymity of my bedroom, lit only by my flickering computer screen.

Depressturbation

I've been kind of depressed this past week, which is part of why I haven't been blogging. The weird thing is whenever I get this way, I seem to masturbate a lot more. Like, sometimes several times in one day. I donh't know if this is "normal" or not. I don't really even know if "normal" exists. But I think the reason I do it is it's comforting. And there's an endorphin release that seems to dull the depression.

I'm not sure why, but when I feel like this, I tend to fantasize about older guys when I masturbate. I think it all fits in with the depression, and wanting to be taken care of.

I have to admit, I have some older guy fantasies. I've never been with anyone more than a couple of years older than me, but sometimes I think it would be hot to be with a guy maybe in his 50s or so.

Psychologists would probably pick that apart and find some sort of "isue" or something that's "wrong" with me. But it's how I am. It's one of the things I fantasize about. I'm just not sure if it's a fantasy I will ever fulfil.

I should probably elaborate on that sometime.

Shy

I ended up going out last night with my friend -- I'll call her Anita. We went to a bar and had a few drinks. I was already kind of tipsy when we started.

So I don't know what my problem is, but when there's a possibility a guy might be flirting with me or hitting on me, I go into this really shy, nervous mode, which I think I tend to cover up by being aloof. So I give off this "I'm not interested" vibe that ultimately sends guys away toward girls who might be interested.

Part of it is I get tongue-tied. I don't know what to say, which is totally stupid because in any other situation, I'm generally comfortable. Maybe a little insecure or shy, yeah, but it's not like I can't talk.

I suck at small talk. It feels superficial. And the logical part of me gets it that, okay, maybe it is superficial, but it's necessary to start a conversation. But I just don't know how to do it.

So you probably know where this is going. Anita went to go to the bathroom and I stayed at the bar and this guy started talking to me. He was cute, and seemed nice. Kind of a little nerdy but not too much. He asked how my night was going, and all I could muster was, "It's going okay, thanks." He asked what I was drinking and I told him a rum and Coke. But I just sort of froze and didn't engage him in any way. So he ended up telling me to have a good evening and wandering off.

I wanted to tell Anita about it when she came back from the bathroom but I didn't. I waited until we left the bar because I knew if I told her in the bar, she would go talk to the guy and embarrass me.

I went home. I got into bed and masturbated, and I thought about having sex with the guy. I imagined what it would be like if I was bold enough to take him home, sneak him in so my roommate wouldn't know, quietly have sex with him and try to bump into him at the same bar again.

But instead, I got into bed alone last night and masturbated. I had an orgasm but it wasn't very fulfilling. It was one of those ones that just is sort of like getting it out of your system. The whole time I was fantasizing about this guy, there was also this little voice in the back of my head chastising me for being so socially inept.

Warmth

I had this fantasy about an hour ago that turned into a powerful orgasm. I fantasized about meeting a guy at a bar on a Friday afternoon -- a businessman who was in town for the weekend, someone a little older than me, like maybe mid to late 30s. It was happy hour, and after a few drinks, in my fantasy, we got flirty. He invited me back to his hotel room. We started making out and fooling around. He fingered me for a while and then I started to suck his cock.

He asked me if I would let him cum on my face, and I said yes. He asked me to get out of bed, on my hands and knees, so I did. He stood above me while I sucked him, and then as he got close to cumming, he pulled out of my mouth and jerked off. He groaned deeply as he came all over my face, and in my hair a little.

I laid in bed and masturbated a little while ago while I fantasized about this. I even let a little saliva run down my chin to have the sensation of warm liquid on my face. It wasn't quite the same as cum, but it turned me on.

In real life, I have had guys cum on my face twice, and I really like it. There's something comforting about the thick warm liquid running slowly across my chin and down on to my breasts. Something I have never done, but would love so much, is to first have a guy cum on my face, and then fuck me afterward while his cum was still on me. I don't know it this would work because I know most guys can't stay hard right away after they cum. It might take two guys.  ;-)

Mmmm.... It's nice to think about.

Have a nice weekend!